If I had Known Then What I Know Now
They say youth is wasted on the young. Except, as the song goes, you don’t know what you’ve got’til it’s gone. Eighteen years ago I was eighteen. It doesn’t feel like half a lifetime ago that I stepped out of my childhood and into… what? Real life? My future? My big beginning? But it was. I’ve officially been an adult for as long as I was a child. That’s pretty scary when you think about it.
I’ve lived a pretty decent life with little regrets, but now I am a mother of two girls I look back at myself as a teenager and want to shake the old Me. Hard. Maybe throw in a bitch slap or two as well (Mum, you were pretty restrained at the time… good job).
I was a good kid, a prized pupil and a sensible girl – but I’d still like to have a word with myself. And if I could it would go something like this…
Hi,
You don’t know me yet but you will in the blink of an eye…
I have something I want to talk to you about but you probably won’t listen to me because right now you know everything. You are on the precipice of life, arms stretched out, face smiling into the wind and you are ready to take that big step into the void. You aren’t worried because you know you are going to fly, and you will, but before you take that big step please hear me out for a moment. It’s important. It might just help you…
Being an adult lasts forever, so I have no idea why you are in such a hurry to get here.
I know that living under the dictatorship of Mum and Dad, and having to share a room with your little sister, and school and boy troubles and all that shit is hard, really hard, and you think that it will just disappear as soon as you are a grown up. But it won’t. It just gets worse. Your parents are nothing compared to your future bosses, you won’t see as much of your sister as you do now and you will miss her, school is a bloody doddle compared to building a career (what I would do to sit in a classroom all day again) and boy trouble… well… that won’t ever change. So just sit back, relax and don’t rush it. Make the most of being at that golden age of having all the best times still to come, without having to deal with the crappy bits yet.
Nobody is looking. Let it go.
I’m not going to quote Disney’s Frozen to you (you’re only up to The Lion King, lucky you still has the joys of Elsa to come) but you really need to chill out. All that energy and time you are wasting worrying if the outfit is right, if people think your voice is too posh or too common, and if the dance moves are okay (actually, the Running Man and the Bogle will never be cool again so you can forget about them already) is ridiculous. You know why? Because all your mates aren’t even looking at you, they are all stressing about their own hair, skirt length and dance moves. So the best thing you can do is have fun. Unadulterated fun. Go for it. Act like a tit on the dance floor, say what you want and own it. Be silly, be free and be confident. No one will judge you for it, they will just wish they had the balls to be so uninhibited. It’s so sad you can’t be as confident at 18 as I am now, because at your age you look so wonderful being carefree – but at 37 being that confidently daft just scares people.
You are smart, don’t listen to those who will tell you otherwise
At the moment you are a confused mix of ‘I know it all’ and ‘shit, I’m so dumb’. And hey, that doesn’t change. Sorry. You are going to leave school and you won’t do as well as you hope you would in every subject. And you know what? It doesn’t matter because you will still get to where you want to go because you are smart. You will have men in your life who will belittle you. It means nothing, you just threaten their insecurities. You will be upset that you don’t ‘get it’ when you are having discussions about mortgages or interest rates or Scandinavian politics. It doesn’t matter. Because you are smart, in lots of different ways. Just not in every way. And that’s okay too, because your way will still get you to where you need to go… and that is all that matters.
Say Fuck You more often, and to more people
There’s no need to be rude, this isn’t meant in the literal sense… but you really do need to stop pleasing so many people. Being liked is important, but being respected is even more important. Saying ‘No’ as a child is naughty, as a teenager it’s obstinate but as an adult it is admired. So when that boyfriend stands you up (I won’t say which one, but it will mainly be all of them) then tell him to fuck himself. When that boss is rude to you, don’t take it. When your mates take the piss, stand your ground. It’s too easy at your age to say ‘Yes’ because Yes is polite and expected. But No is okay too sometimes… you won’t believe how many new doors magically open for you as soon as you walk away. Be brave.
Trust yourself. You’re probably right
You don’t have to have all the answers right now, and get this – there is no such as thing as a wrong decision. Whoa! After 18 years of full time education that’s a hard thing to understand, right? But it’s true. Because life has a funny way of making every bad turn take you to the right place anyhow. You just need to have the right map, and that map is called Self Belief and Perseverance.
And lastly… Your mother.
Our mother. Sorry but she’s never going to be any less annoying than she is now. I’m serious. But you know what? She’s going to save your life over and over again. She’s going to be your mirror of reality when life no longer makes sense. She’s going to be the voice of experience, the kick up the arse, the arms to hold you and the person you pick up the phone to when he dumps you and when the baby won’t sleep and when you’re bored and when you’re scared. She won’t ever be any less irritating, but until you are a mother yourself (which right now feels like a million light years away, whereas for me being 18 was only yesterday) you will never ever know what it’s like to look out for your babies forever and ever. Even, and especially, when they no longer need you. You will love them when they deserve your love the least. So that interfering, nagging and annoying thing your mum is doing right now? That’s loving you when you deserve it the least… and need it the most. She’s not going anywhere. But that’s a good thing.
Dear Teenage Me – unfortunately I can’t protect you from the pain that is learning life’s lessons, so I guess this letter won’t help you one bit. You will still pick the wrong guy, the wrong job and the wrong friends. You will still bottle it or hit the bottle. You need to, because like my children (your children) now… you will have to learn the hard way. The pain scars and it never leaves you, but at least the lessons will stay with you forever.
And as for this letter. This is my way of wishing the Me back then knew what the Me right now knows. My way of telling myself that actually life will be just fine. I will be just fine. And that, even though every teenager is desperate to be grown up and free, and every woman harks back to being young and free – we are all, at whatever age we are, still that heady mix of fear, anticipation and bravado. And that’s okay too.
PS: Stop thinking you are fat. Just wait until you’ve had two kids and you are thirty seven years old. So wear the tight trousers and the crop top… please. You will never look this good again!
