By Lady Lolita, 3rd April 2015

Penis Envy

Do women envy men, resent them or just wish we had it as easy?

Do women envy men, resent them or just wish we had it as easy?

Not long ago I was accused of being a Misandrist – and for all of you that don’t know what that means, including my Microsoft spellchecker, it is the hatred of all men and boys. Hate. That’s right, hate!

Whoa, big word. And why? Because of an article I wrote about Dads and how lucky they are to be able to sleep so easily. Yep, just that, nothing more sinister.

So I wondered, do we women really have an issue against men and Dads in particular? Do I in fact have Penis Envy? And I came to the conclusion that no, the idea of sporting my genitalia on the outside held no appeal to me, and that I prefer my prized possessions to be either safely tucked up in bed or safely locked up in my jewellery box.

Why would I envy a man anyway? I think they get a pretty raw deal.

Firstly, let’s look at appendages (the funniest, and let’s admit it, most useful bit). In business I have more than once heard people being told to ‘grow a set of balls’. Really? Those delicate, dangly things that can only be touched a certain way and never know where to put themselves in a pair of Speedos? If you want a guy to really toughen up then tell him to grow a vagina, that thing takes all sorts of batterings and keeps on smiling. Other than having entered the world via my lady parts, my kids can also bounce around on top of me, play kick, shove, elbow and tug to their hearts’ content. They can’t on Daddy though, because their tiny sharp knees and elbows always end up jabbing the wrong places and he has to run out of the room and scream profanities into the pillow so the kids don’t get scared.

So what else do men have that women might want?
Height? Yes I’m a shorty, so when I’m cooking and have to use every utensil in my kitchen to hook the bag of flour off the top shelf I could do with longer legs and arms. And strength and muscle are useful, until someone sees you are tall, strong and muscular and wants you to use your manliness…and I’m not up for fighting anyone’s battles. I hide behind my words as it is most of the time. This means Alpha Male has to be on bouncer duty all the time, and has to give shoulder rides to the kids and do macho 10-shopping-bags-at-once carrying all the time. I´ll pass on that one.

Male emasculation(WIP)_Nat_gratisography

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What about behind the wheel? Are they really better drivers? Wait up, I hear the sound of the PC Police kindly asking me in a non-too-threatening voice to, if it’s okay with me, please be a bit kinder to the weaker, I mean, fairer, I mean…err…women? I’m not even going there. I like being slightly crapper at driving, people don’t judge my car as much with me behind the wheel and screaming kids in the back. I actually do more driving than my other half but in a bent-up, smaller, messier car with a broken radio (due to a stale bread-roll throwing incident with my five year old, true story).

Do men earn more money? Some.
Do they get more time to themselves? Some.
Do they get a better night’s sleep? Best I don’t get started on that one again.

Do they see less of the kids? Most of them.
And that’s the crux of the issue and where most Mums get Dad-envy (whilst simultaneously thanking their lucky stars). Because while we are moaning that we can’t crap in peace, shower without an audience, get through the night without an encore of ‘muuuummmmyyy!’ or finish an entire plate of food without a passenger or two nestling on our laps, most of us still get to be home with the kids more than the men do. And although it may not feel like it, actually that’s our prize. Daddy may be the cool one, the fun one, the one that’s home in time for bedtime stories and the one that doesn’t scream ‘For the love of Teletubbies, give me an effing minute to myself ’ – but Mum is always Mum. No matter how old you are, how rich you are, how independent you are…when the shit hits the fan you want your mum. We all do.

Best Daddy

So when I poke fun at men for not really understanding the hardships of being a mother, of getting off lightly around the house and having it easy on the sleep front – I don’t hate them, I don’t pity them and I certainly don’t envy them. Because society hasn’t given them permission to moan about how they feel, and nature hasn’t bestowed upon them the ability to carry and give birth to a child, yet there are good men that still remain by our sides. Our silent heroes. They are the ones that catch us and the ones that carry us. They are the givers (of all they have) and the takers (of all our shit).

They do all that knowing that their hearts and their precious bits will most likely get trampled on day after day, and they will take it. Because they are the strong silent ones. Because they are Daddy, and that’s what they do.

What did you think?

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