In ways you will never understand
I never realised it before now. Not until recently. We are not here to teach our children. They are here to teach us.
My daughters make up two out of the three best decisions I have ever made in my life. The other being the decision to say Yes to the amazing man who gave me them.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not one of those sanctomummies that think my kids can do no wrong. I am also not a perfect mother by any stretch of the imagination. I have raised my voice to them on more occasions than I would like to admit, and I have had a few “Charlotte” moments where I have locked myself in the bathroom and cried tears of frustrations while spitting the words “just leave me alone” through gritted teeth at a locked door.
Motherhood is not easy, and anyone who says it is is clearly on valium or drinking way more than me.
But sat here tonight, on a sofa in a living room surrounded by a whole world of mess, lego and glitter, the only feelings I can put my fingers on is pride.
My daughters inspire me. In some of my darkest moments and on days when I truly question my own worth, somehow they just know, and I find one of them wrapped around my leg with a tatty piece of paper with ‘super mum’ scribbled on it.
They are everything I often lose sight of in my life. They are confident, ambitious and determined. They are fearless and so blissfully naïve. In the best possible way.
They look at the world with these amazing fairy shaped, rose tinted glasses and everything is just amazing. I miss that feeling.
I watched them play today. I sat on my terrace and watched as they ran around in the garden playing together and I felt a surge of tears rise. A lump in my throat and a sharp intake of breath was all it took for the tears to roll down my face.
How did we do that? How did we create these two amazing perfect daughters. Mouthy, opinionated, fiercely independent and sometimes downright attitude filled amazing little girls?
How is it possible that at one point in my young life these daughters were given to me to take care of and guide through life?
I have no idea what I am doing. Most days I am proud that I managed to keep myself alive. Then I look at them and think, ‘I am in charge of two mini people’. I am supposed to guide them and teach them and help them through life. That is terrifying. Surely you should be given an exam to ace before being given that level of responsibility – or at least a 5 step interview process?
Then I have days like today, when my daughter comes to me and asks the simplest of questions – “Mummy, what is a soul” – Answering that question was fairly easy, at least it was until I said “It is everything that make you, well, you”. Her first response was “But you make me me. So are you my soul.”
Out of the mouths of babes.
These tiny little humans look up to us like gods. They look up to us to inspire their dreams and stoke their imaginations. They wait for us to guide them on the right path and steer them away from danger.
The only thing they don’t realise, is that each and every day they do the same for me.
Each day I learn a lesson I never knew before. I am rekindling an imagination that I lost as a teen. I am learning to play again, to imagine again, to dream again and to ask questions more.
Each day they guide me away from danger, they steer me away from fear and they give me confidence. They remind me that I am a good person, that I am a good mum and that I am loved – all just with a hug or a kiss.
My kids inspire me. Now that I am a grown up I want to remember to be a ‘kid’ again more. They inspire me not to grow up so quickly, but to STOP growing up and appreciate the small things more.
So to my gorgeous daughters, you inspire me. More than I think you will ever know or understand.
