10 Things only those with Kids should do
The world’s population should be divided by two things, and two things alone – those WITH kids, and those WITHOUT. The Non-Mums and the Mums Only.
Because those that don’t have to look after kids have far more advantages than the likes of us that do, and they should cherish them. They get to go away with their other half, just them, for as long as they like; spend their money on frivolous shit instead of worrying about school shoes and college funds; and of course they get to enjoy the precious moment that is taking a crap in peace. Personally, the no-audience bathroom time is enough for me to get nostalgic about my pre-mummy days.
So when us parents DO get to do something, albeit because of the children, then why are non-parents doing it too?
I wouldn’t! Believe me, there are some things that no non-mummy should ever have to do…ever. And if I see them I want to slap them or ask them to swap lives with me.
Here is my top 10 ‘Don’t do it if you aren’t a suffering parent’ list…
1. Enjoy Disney
You know the kind of adults that go to Disney World without kids? Or even worse, they go for their honeymoon? Or they buy the full Disney DVD sets and watch them, without even borrowing a friend’s child as cover?
They freak me out. A lot.
I do enjoy Disney films (Tangled, The Little Mermaid and Frozen – in that order – if you must know) but every single one was viewed by me either before the age of 16 or once I had kids. I didn’t go to the cinema as an adult to watch cartoon princesses. That’s weird. Scarily weird. And even more worrisome if you are a bloke.
2. Go to bed early on a Friday night
Why? The next day is Saturday and non-mums are free, yes free, to stay in bed until they want to. Oh how I used to stay up until 3am to finish a book, or watch a terrible film, or just because I could. And it didn’t matter. Now I rebel against myself and I do it anyway as if trying to teach my kids a lesson that mummy won’t change. Until I am up three hours later crying into my coffee with sleep-deprivation. Yep, that will teach those little rascals!
3. Get up early on the weekend
See above. If you are up any time before 9am on a weekend and you have no small person by your bed asking for biscuits, or needing a wee or telling you ‘the sun is awake’ then GO BACK TO SLEEP. Or come around to my house, entertain my monsters and let me have a well deserved lie-in.
4. Wear underwear that covers your stomach
I have to. My bulging apron of fat has to be tucked into something. But my kids made it that way, so if you aren’t a mummy (and not obese) don’t do it. Please, I want to live vicariously through you. Let me feel like my elastic and frayed apple-catchers have been forced upon me while the lucky non-mums of this world are all wearing tiny thongs that match their bras. Give me that fantasy, please.
5. Avoid a hangover
Only parents should do this, because they have screaming, bed-wetting, 6am human alarm clocks to remind them that Sunday mornings are no different to Monday mornings. Unattached people should get wildly and inappropriately drunk every Friday and Saturday night and revel in the glory that is a lie-in, bacon sandwiches in bed and hair of the dog at the local pub. Oh, we mothers do still drink, it’s the only way we can get through the daily dinner-bath-bed ritual, but the smart ones stop (instead of start) at 8pm.
6. Go to family friendly restaurants
Why, in the name of Michelin, would a couple with no children step over the threshold of a fast food restaurant, carvery or eat-as-much-as-you-want-or-leave-it-all-because-it-costs-the-same-either-way restaurant? I go to these places because they are easy for parents, because kids get food I won’t waste good money on and sometimes there are half chewed crayons on the table and place mats they can draw on. Would I go there and peruse the plastic menu for treats such as ‘dino burger’ and ‘Smarties ice-cream cone’ on a date with my man? Hell no! But some people do.
I see them. I glance under the table for their invisible child (or a carer, because mental illness is the only other excuse I can permit for such bad dining choices) yet they look strangely happy. Tip for all you non-parents: When a man wants to take you out for a meal, think two words – Interesting and Expensive. Neither of which can be found in a restaurant where staff wear red braces covered in fun badges!
7. Go to family friendly holiday resorts
Before I had kids my All Inclusive holidays consisted of secluded, palm-fringed resorts in Thailand or the Caribbean, with Dress-Up-For-Dinner beach buffets and live local musicians serenading my man and me, before a romantic moonlit walk along the beach. This year we did All Inclusive with the kids, in a resort a lot closer to home, and got chips (lots of chips), plastic cups, plastic chairs, piss-filled pools and early nights. And the kids, and their dodgy-looking bunk bed, were in the same room as us – while we hid under the duvet watching movies on our laptop because we were on holiday and it was only 9pm, for fuck’s sake! So the thought that there were couples with no children at that same hotel makes me want to cry.
8. Listen to boy bands, Britney Spears or musical/Disney soundtracks
You non-parents have a choice of what to listen to – nearly 100 year’s worth of musicians in fact (or older, if you include classical composers). You don’t have kids screaming, ‘again, again’ from the back seat of the car as you are forced to press the rewind button on the Frozen soundtrack because they only really want one song. For the entire journey. 47 long minutes of ‘Let It Go’. So don’t do it, you freaks. Listen to good music that doesn’t hurt your ears and doesn’t feature pink glitter or smiling children on the CD cover.
9. Enjoy kids’ parties
Really, honestly, I kid you not! There are real actual people on this planet, that aren’t genetically linked to small people, that choose to go to childrens’ parties. Are these people not overwhelmed by the flurry of over-excited ankle biters running around their legs; the high pitched squeals and whistle blowing from party bag gifts (who puts mini instruments in party bags? Seriously? Who?) and the overly sickly cake, after cake, after iced cupcake that you are forced to eat out of politeness? I go because it’s the only chance I have of seeing my mummy mates, getting a free glass of wine and knowing my kids will leave me alone for five minutes. What’s the non-child-owner’s excuse? Fun? Surely not!
10. Like children
I don’t like most kids. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE mine, but that’s because they are mine. But there are strange childless people out there that just love kids. All sorts of kids. Even the bratty ones. And I don’t mean they smile at them, ruffle their hair and absentmindedly hand over a gift (then expect to be left alone). No, I’m talking about adults that want to play wrestle, draw, run around, play hide-and-seek and actually enjoy being with your children. I think it’s wonderful and confusing in equal measures. Was I like that before my little rug-rats popped out? I don’t think so. Then I wonder whether it’s having kids of your own that puts you off kids in general. After all, scroll up and see the shit we have to endure because of them.
Saying that though, had I never had my lovely little princesses I would never have had the opportunity to enjoy that witty, clever, rollicking good ride that is Disney’s Tangled. Or had the chance to fantasize about a cartoon character – because it’s okay to fancy Rapunzel’s boyfriend Flynn, right? Right?
So thank you my darling cherubs – shitty holidays and bland tasteless restaurants aside – you have made my world a much more fun place in which to live. Even if I am so sleep deprived I don’t know where I am half the time.
