By The Duchess, 8th June 2015

Ten People You Will Find at an Airport

A Nervous Nancy or a Snoozer... Which One are You?

A Nervous Nancy or a Snoozer… Which One are You?

Airports have always held a strange fascination for me. It is where so many stories merge, journeys begin and lives change. I could sit all day and never get bored, just watching people milling around and wondering what brought them here in the first place. Over the years I have taken many flights to many wonderful destinations around the world and most of the time I get the added luxury of sitting in the departures lounge and assessing everyone around me. Unless of course I am travelling with my rebel of a husband. If that is the case, I am lucky to glance at people as I run by, sweating and panting with the worry that I am going to miss my flight. However, on the occasions I have afforded myself the time to indulge in one of my many guilty pleasures, I have compiled a list of the ten people you will find at an airport.

Which one are you?

The Nervous Nancy
This poor soul always makes me want to walk across to take them by the hand and tell them everything will be ok. He/she is the foot tapping, brow wiping, watch checking Nervous Nancy. Either a first time flyer or someone who suffers from aerophobia (fear of flying). Although you may feel sorry for this person, pray to god you don’t get sat next to one on the plane – and if you do, keep your arms out of the way of those gripping vice like hands during take off and landing… and maybe keep the sick bag within snatching distance.

The Bookworms

Thomas Leuthard
Thomas Leuthard

These are the ones who look like they have all the time in the world. So much so, they are disappearing into a world of their own. And good on them. They will relax anywhere, on a bare metal chair or propped up against a pillar, or even laying on the floor with a bag propping up their heads. As long as they have a book in their hands they simply don’t care. They are immersed in another dimension… whilst queuing, waiting to board and even on the plane. So immersed in fact that half the time they don’t even notice they are getting on a plane. How lovely it must be to just vanish to another reality while everyone else around you is rushing and panicking and swearing at noisy kids. I envy The Bookworms.

The Hen/Stag Parties
BEWARE – you will notice them all turn up in matching outfits, overly joyous and probably already inebriated at the check in desk. Pink tutus and sashes litter the queue, as well as onesies (when did it become socially acceptable to leave the house in your pyjamas??) Watch as they gravitate towards the bar before the sun has even risen and do your best to sit as far away as possible on the airplane if you can – because the party won’t end at the departures gate.

Lazy Late Bods
They are the ones that are kicking up a stink at the check in desk, desperate to be let onto the flight despite being half an hour late. OR, they are the ones rushing through security, running for the gate and swearing the entire time. Come on guys, you know that you do this each and every time you travel, let’s not pretend this is the first time you have held up a plane because you can’t get your lazy ass to the airport on time.

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The Shoppers
Somebody please tell me when it became a ‘thing’ to spend your entire holiday budget in the airport shops? Don’t people know that ‘duty free’ is a con and that the prices only make you spend money on stupid things you know you would never normally buy! When will you ever use that travel pillow again? On your next annual holiday? Let’s face it, you won’t find it again next year and it will be gathering dust in the back of a cupboard until then. Put down those tacky key rings and fridge magnets, and honestly, are you really going to read all those magazines?

The Snoozers
I envy this breed of travelers. They have no fear of their luggage being stolen, no worry over missing their flight. He/she can sleep on a bed of nails and may as well do so because airport chairs are not much better. They will inevitably wake just as boarding is announced, and will slip back into a blissful sleep as soon as their asses hit the rigid plastic cheap airline seats. Lucky gits.

The Self-Important Suit


He ignores everyone and engrosses himself in either his laptop, tapping away and pretending he is being just as productive here as he could be at his office, or he is engrossed in the Financial Times… Half of the time I wonder if he really needs to be wearing that expensive suit, or if he does so just so he can look much more important than all the other ‘tourists’ travelling to his ‘place of work’.

Slumber Party Buddies
Now I don’t know about you, but when I was growing up my parents treated a trip to the airport the same way they treated a trip to church on a Sunday. Specially picked outfits were prepared in advance and worn with pride. So tell me, who are those who believe that getting on an airplane means wearing those horrible jogging bottoms, old T-shirt and trainers? Now I understand you have to be comfortable on an airplane, but it’s no excuse to wear your PJs or onesies to the airport. Unless of course you are under the age of 5… please put some reasonable clothes on.

The Stressed-Out Mum

She is generally the one who is travelling alone with children. She juggles an annoying pram, bags and luggage for her and her two tearaways as she tries to bundle them all though security. The kids are screaming, her face is red with anger and frustration and the security guards try not to show their displeasure at her holding up the entire queue. Poor mum. By the time she gets on the plane all she wants to do is order a G&T and close her eyes… but you can guarantee all she will be doing is trying to stop the kids from kicking the seat in front and apologising profusely for the shouting and crying. Don’t worry mum… the day is nearly over, and  hopefully you have someone at the other end to pour you a large glass of something nice.

The Idiot
Sorry, but there is no other way to describe this person. It has been nearly 15 years since the new security measures came into place and you are not telling me you haven’t flown even ONCE since then. You know the drill, so if you are going to choose to wear a belt and 100 pieces of jewelry as well as a massive jacket – be prepared… and I mean prepared to take all that shit off when you get to security. No amount of arguing will get around it, you will only piss off all the passengers behind you. You are an idiot if you think you can rock up to the airport and be treated differently just because you think you are better than everyone. Get a grip or get out of my way.

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